regrets collect like old friends
by saltzmans
Summary: Bad Wolf Bay is colder than the Doctor remembers—rose11.


**notes | **for hpslashluvr.

**warnings | **it's been a while since i've watched doctor who so i apologise if any of the characters aren't themselves.

* * *

Bad Wolf Bay is colder than the Doctor remembers but it's still filled with that dreadful loneliness which seems to ache constantly inside of him, somewhere along with the memory of a girl with blonde hair and eyes which still remind him of a burning moon, as he watches the grey expanse of beach before him. The sky is slate grey and the sea crashes in a silent roar against the sand.

It's exactly like he remembers.

Now he can have everything he's yearned for all these years.

But then why does he feel so nervous?

.

"What are we doing here, Doctor?" Clara asks. She's standing in the door of the TARDIS, as if she's unsure whether to come out onto the desolate sand or not. Her hair his being whipped about by the wind. She looks lovely. The Doctor tries to concentrate on that. Tries to block out the pounding in his head.

_lovelyclaralovelyclaraLOVELYCLARALOVELY–_

"Pockets in the universe," the Doctor replies and to his ears, the words seem to be coming out a garbled mess. God, he needs to focus. Why can't he focus? Focus on explaining. Explain timey-wimey nonsense to Clara. Lovely Clara. Explain time-wimey nonsense to lovely Clara. "They don't happen very often. Never, in fact. But that Sontarum battle ship – when we zapped it – opened up a rip. A rip to a another world. Just big enough for us. So, I took my chance."

Clara takes a tentative step out of the TARDIS. "We're in a parallel universe then?"

The Doctor beams. Focusing on Clara is helping. Helping the rolling in his stomach. "Exactly."

Reaching the Doctor and slipping her arm through his, Clara eyes the landscape. "Alright then," she says decisively. "I can deal with parallel universes. Whatever this parallel universe is. Although it doesn't look much different from home."

"Dälig Ulv Strandan," the Doctor murmers vaugley and his response is almost lost under the screeching of the gulls and the crash of the waves. "Bad Wolf Bay."

"And what exactly are we doing here?" Clara asks.

The Doctor smiles and for a moment the earsplitting pounding goes away as he replies, "we're here to see a very old friend."

.

Despite being slightly fried from a combination of Sontarum missiles and ripping through the fabric of universes, the Doctor manages to coerce the TARDIS into one more trip. She whines a little bit and there are a few complaints – merely theatricals, of course – but his ship makes the journey nonetheless.

(It's a sad sort of funny but the Doctor can't help but think that the TARDIS misses her almost as much as he does.)

Clara is buzzing with excitement and he has to take a moment to remember – as he watches her skip around the console – that parallel universes aren't something that happen to everyone. Of course, he's buzzing with a different kind of tension. A tension which if given a name would probably be called Rose Tyler and longing and three hundred endless years.

As the TARDIS whirs into action, he avoids Clara's questions about the person they're visiting; answering only with the most inexplicit of replies.

"When did you last see her?"

"A long time ago."

"_Is_ it a she?"

"Yes."

"Did she used to travel with you?"

"Yes."

"Why did she go"

"I–" Something sticks in the Doctor's throat because he _hates _remembering. He hates remembering how he failed to save her; how let her go; how he still regrets every second of not being with her.

"It was a long time ago," he says finally and Clara looks like she wants to ask more but the TARDIS lands with a bump, something catches fire and the conversation is dropped.

.

Clara takes to Pete's London in a heartbeat and the Doctor rather likes how mesmerized she is by the blimps and the technology and trying to find every single difference between the landscape here and that in her own world.

("But Doctor – the Shard is meant to be there but it's not! What even is that?")

He indulges her for a little while – making up ridiculous names for the strange buildings which dominate the skyline; teasing her about her obscure knowledge of London's nooks and crannies. It helps him because it takes his mind off Rose; it drives him away from dithering over every single thing that could go wrong; every daunting possibility which lies ahead of him.

"Hey?" Clara's looking expectantly at the Doctor. "Wasn't there someone you're meant to be looking for?"

The Doctor smiles and although he doesn't say something, Clara is the kind of a girl who sees novels in single gestures, because she takes his arm and as they gaze out over the Thames together, she whispers, "lets go get her then."

.

They go to the mansion. Hitchhike rides all the way out of down from London, until they catch sight of the imposing house dominating the skyline. Waves of _memories _and _nostalgia _hit the Doctor like a freight train as he stumbles awkwardly out of the truck they've been traveling the last leg of the journey in. Behind him Clara is brightly thanking the driver but all the Doctor can think about how close he is. How that now, after all these years of _missing _her and _loving _her, he can finally do it person.

"So this is where she is then?" Clara asks. In the distance the truck disappears over the horizon, leaving a cloud of dust in it's wake.

"I think so," the Doctor replies. His head is spinning slightly. He grips Clara's hand, finding her pulse, using it to guide him back. "Shall we go then?"

"What're we waiting for?" Clara grins, dragging him towards the house, a constant bubble of energetic conversation spouting from her mouth. "So what's her name, Doctor? Why haven't you told me about her before? Will I like her?"

"I think you'll like her. I met her a long time ago; a very long time ago. Rose. Her name is Rose."

.

Jackie opens the front door, a small boy with Rose's nose, Pete's eyes and the stubborn set of Jackie's jaw is peaking out from behind her legs.

"I'm sorry," Jackie says, "we don't need another bluetooth toaster or cleaning fluid or whatever the hell you've come here to persuade me to buy."

"Jackie Tyler, you haven't changed a bit," the Doctor comments, only partially aware of Clara behind him, watching the exchange with interest.

"I'd say the same to you but I don't think we've met before," Jackie eyes the Doctor with suspicion. "Who exactly are you?"

"Oh, right," the Doctor pauses. "Face changes and stuff."

Something clicks in Jackie's eyes and she freezes. "Go find Dad, Toby."

The Doctor reaches into his pocket, pulling out his sonic screwdriver, twisting it absentmindedly between his fingers as the little boy disappears into the depths of the house.

"So," Jackie's voice is harsh, "it's really you then. After all these years. You're back."

"It looks like it.

.

Looking back, the Doctor really shouldn't have been surprised that his reunion with Jackie Tyler ended in a slap across the face.

.

"It's a lovely house you have here, Mrs Tyler," Clara comments politely. She's holding a teacup and saucer which shake in her unsteady grip.

"I know," Jackie's voice is hard and Clara's smile falters.

"So you're Rose's mother?" Clara tries again and the Doctor suddenly has a surge of overwhelming admiration for her.

"Yes."

"I've heard a lot about her."

"All good!" The Doctor adds.

Jackie glares at him and the three lapse back into silence.

The clock on the wall strikes two o'clock.

.

It's half past two by the time they hear footsteps on the stairs. The Doctor tenses. Clara grips her long empty cup of tea tighter. Jackie eyes dart nervously around the room.

"Is that her?" The Doctor asks, his eyes alight with the eagerness of a child on christmas morning.

"I–" Jackie pauses. "Doctor, she's changed. It's been nearly ten years. She's different. She's moved on."

"Moved on?"

"Just–" Jackie begins but her sentence is cut off by the door opening and no matter how ridiculous it seems - no matter how many empires the Doctor has seen fall, or how many stars he's watched explode - his hearts crash at the sight of her.

He half rises from his seat, Jackie and Clara nothing but wallpaper, all he has eyes for is her. His Rose. Rose Tyler. After all these years.

"Rose," her name leaves his lips like a sigh; like letting go and coming together all at once.

"Doctor," and the word is like a burn because of all the emotions he expected to here from her _resentment _was not one. "What're you doing here?"

"I–I came to see you."

"You've changed your face again. You look younger."

"Yeah, well, a thousand years of time and space does tend to take its toll."

"Why now? You left me, on that beach again, so why now? After all this time."

"I–" the Doctor pauses and in that moment, the only thing he think to say is, "I've missed you."

.

Half past one in the morning and the Doctor is sitting up in bed in a darkened room, trying to catch a glimpse of the moon through the crack in the curtain. In the bed next to him, Clara is breathing softly. His mind replays the night's events in an unwanted cycle:

Rose's face at dinner, unreadable as she silently spooned lumpy potato into her mouth; Jackie's cold silence; Pete and Clara halfheartedly trying to make conversation; Tony watching the proceedings with confusion; his tenth regeneration's meta crisis, holding Rose's hand under the table.

The Doctor has envisioned this meeting night after lonely night but never has it looked quite like this.

Silently, he rolls out of bed, walking softly towards the window. Outside the moon shines like a beacon in an empty sky. On the lawn, there's an lone figure. The Doctor pauses, trying to make one _sensible _decision amongst the tidal wave of thoughts rampaging through his mind. Then he makes his choice, making only the slightest noise as the door closes behind him.

Alone in the bed, Clara sighs.

.

The Somerset air is cold against the Doctor's face as he walks out into the garden and for a moment he wonders if coming to talk to her like this is a terrible mistake, but he steels his shoulders and walks to stand beside her.

For a moment, neither of them say anything. Rose barely acknowledges him, still staring with a certain hardness at the silver slither of moon.

"You know looking at a new moon is bad luck," the Doctor comments.

"Only if you look at it through a window," Rose shoots back, "you taught me that."

"Just testing," the Doctor smiles. "I'd take you back to earth every new moon so you didn't look at it through glass."

"I don't suppose it helped much."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"Why did you come back, Doctor?" Rose asks again. "And don't spin that crap about missing me. Ten years. I've moved on. I'm with John now. We're a family. I love him. My life is _good._"

"Don't you want to see me?"

"Of course I did. Everyday for ten years. And then one day I woke up and I didn't miss you quite so much and I've been working from there. I've been okay.

"I knew you would be." The Doctor winces, his words seeming false and hopeless even to his own ears.

"No, no you didn't. I loved you. So much."

"I–"

Rose lets out a half laugh. "Look, even now you can't say it."

"You know that I do."

"I just needed to hear it, okay?"

"I'll go – tomorrow – the TARDIS will be back to normal and I can go; never see you again."

"No, no," Rose pauses, "I don't want that. It's just – it's just I'd gotten used to thinking I'd never see you again and now you're here with your stupid bow-tie–"

"Hey, bow ties are cool."

Rose rolls her eyes. "–and floppy hair and it's you but it's not and I have missed you and I do want to see you still but–"

"Hey," the Doctor cuts in, "I know. I do. I'm sorry. For everything."

"I know," Rose replies and for the first time, she smiles and it's the smile the Doctor has been waiting for all these years.

They stand like that for a while – side by side, not quite touching but still connected, by some unstoppable force between them which would never quite go away, no matter how many universes and galaxies stretch between them.

"I'm going to go back in," Rose says eventually, turning to look at him. "You coming?"

"No. I think I'll watch the moon for a little longer. It's been a while since I've done this."

"What – you don't take Clara to see it?"

"No," the Doctor replies smiling, "it's our thing.:

Rose laughs, before turning back towards the house. She's half way across the lawn when the Doctor calls after her, "I love you, Rose."

Rose stops and from the shake of her shoulders, the Doctor thinks she might be laughing. "Yeah, I know."

(Later, he thinks how glad he is that this time, she walked away first.)

.

When the Doctor returns to his room, Clara is awake as he crawls into bed next to her.

"Hey," she greets, "were you talking with her?"

"Yes."

"Did you sort things out?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

"How long are we staying, then?"

The Doctor stares at the ceiling. "I think we'll go tomorrow."

Clara nods sleepily, slipping her hand into his. "Do you love her?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"I can tell," she replies. "Goodnight, Doctor."

"Night, Clara."

It takes the Doctor a while to fall sleep but when he awakes the next morning, and his hand is still entwined with Clara's, he thinks there's a certain load which has been lifted off his chest.

.

Goodbyes at the mansion are short but the awkward hostility from the previous night is gone as even Jackie gives him a kiss on the cheek. Rose drives them back to London, in the front with John Smith, whilst Clara and the Doctor sit in the back. The conversation is light and Clara manages to coerce them all into singing Wham! hits as they speed along the M4.

When they arrive in London, the mood becomes heavier because the thought of _real _goodbyes hangs above all their heads; the word meaning different things to all four occupants of the car. Clara chats amiably to John Smith as they travel the last leg of the journey on foot – about the weather and sports and the differences between the two London's – whilst Rose and the Doctor walk side by side, caught up in their own thoughts and memories.

At the TARDIS, Clara makes her goodbyes first giving Rose a hug and John a kiss on the cheek before disappearing into the blue box. The remaining three stand on the pavement, avoiding eye contact, burning holes in the the flagstones.

"Do you want to come in?" the Doctor asks.

Rose shakes her head. "I don't think I'd be able to leave."

"I understand. I suppose this is goodbye then."

"I suppose it is."

The Doctor holds out his hand. "Goodbye, Rose Tyler."

"Goodbye, Doctor," Rose replies, taking his hand. She smiles. "Go – save the world or whatever you do."

"I'll do my best. Remember me."

"Always."

"Goodbye."

.

"Where to now?" Clara asks, squeezing his hand as the Doctor walks in, staring absently at the console.

The Doctor thinks of Rose – the Rose he knew and the Rose who had just let him go – and smiles because he finally has something he hadn't know he had needed for all these years – closure. So he smiles at Clara before replying with a new kind of jubilance, "anywhere."

.

In a box, in a cupboard, lost somewhere inside the maze of the TARDIS, there's a photo. Over time the photo fades, but in years to come, if one were to peak inside, they'd still be able to make out the impression of a girl with blonde hair and eyes which could almost remind you of a burning moon

.

.

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